Jealousy... && etc.

"You miss her don't you?" asked a friend of mine as I watched the two badminton players try to crush the other. I looked at her smiling and gave a shrug. "I guess I do... I mean, I'm happy that she's found someone who isn't a bastard, right? But under that, I miss my best friend." I answered...

It's about a few weeks now, since we met III. He was a wise young man, a some-what psychologist. He was THE very first person to interpret who my best friend was in just 3 days and we was fucking accurate. He even told her the things we were too afraid to tell her ourselves. I applaud him for that.

Actually, I'm very glad that she's dating men who are not just into her looks. III is I guess the best person for her.


But... Honestly, I am jealous of him. I know that she wants to spend more time with him, and the same thing to him. But I do feel envious that I can't even hang out with her without him being with us or him calling whenever. I don't want to think ill of him. Plus, he's a great friend. It's just that I can't get this thing called "Jealousy" out of my chest.

But I know that she likes him, so for her, I'll just keep quiet. I don't want to make it hard for my best friend. ^^

"Suffer silently, Smile always.." - Laura Vicuña

P.S.

Oh yeah.. My Nii-san stopped courting my Onee-san. Yeah.. It turned out (and I fucking knew it from the start) that my Tuh-Weiners had already become her boy friend a few days before she told us that they were... or whatever.. Anyway, things are working out fine I guess... Hahaha. I don't get to hang out with them anymore.. On some occasions only.

Anyway, peace out. Hopefully no one in the gang gets to read this... That's the only thing I'm afraid of, I guess..

Toodles..

... Thoughts all kept...

Since I had no internet for the past days, I kept my blogs/journal in a text file.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday November 30.

I got home at 12mn.

The day started out really well, we had our NSTP Christmas Reach-In with the less fortunate kids in the area. It was a great morning. We planned earlier that after that activity we would go out, just us friends since it was our friend's birthday. We forced him to come with us and he did, fortunately.

Before setting off to the movies, our friend (the guy who planned our trip) wanted to go home and take a bath (he was covered with raw egg). So he did and we were stuck in a class reunion of another friend. I felt weird with all the people whom I didn't know. I hate being in a place where I don't belong. I had to get out ASAP, and when the opportunity arrived, I gladly took it.

Fast forward time. After that we went to our friend's house and stayed there for a long while. His parents were supposed to drive us to the mall. And after that when we finally got to the mall, the movie we wanted to watch was going to show an hour later. We ate and bought a gift for the birthday boy and watched the movie.

This is where the weird things happen. First of all, two of my friends suddenly disappeared. The guy I liked, and my Onee-san. I knew that something was up. I just felt it. After the movie (which was great but it made me sad inside), we ended up playing in the arcade. Onee-san left again. I was worried, but like always, my futile efforts to help ended up with me thinking too much again. She makes me feel useless as a friend.

Anyway, I felt depressed, really depressed. Even if they asked me what was wrong, I just smiled and said that nothing was wrong, even though everything was. After wasting our money playing Time Crisis 4 and House of the Dead 4 (or 3?), my Nii-san & Onee-san talked. It seemed as though something was wrong. I didn't meddle in their affairs. We stopped by at a bookstore and damn there were a lot of good books, and I couldn't buy even one. I am poor. I have no money, and I envy my Onee-san for having a lot of money to spend on things like that.

Fuck, both my parents don't have any jobs.

We hung out at Starbucks and I just felt so fucking depressed and the movie made everything worse. I just listened to my mp3 and smiled every time they looked at me. When we were there, Nii-san was sad too. Again I felt useless that I can't do anything to make him cheer up. It fucking pisses me off not being able to be there for someone.

Anyway another fast forward, Onee-san & Nii-san had a small argument and me and Nii-san commuted home. We talked on the way, about our problems, things we thought, and how we felt about that day. We ended up telling each other that there were some things that we hadn't and wouldn't talk about.

After that long commute home. I stopped at a small terminal in front of my Nii-san's Subdivision and asked my dad to fetch me there. Me and Nii-san sent text messages to our friends and telling them to have a good night's rest. My dad arrived then and I went home at exactly 12:28AM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday December 4 (Morning)

I had a weird dream. I was on my bed and there were crowd noises outside my room. I walked out my room and the hallway was turned into a mall, I approached my sister who was standing near a food stand. She told me that there was a credit card robbery near our place. I went back to my room and sat on my bed. Seconds later I saw a blonde teenager about a year or two older than me running away from policemen who looked like they were from the old times of England. The teenager was handsome and he looked like someone who wouldn't commit any crime so I told him to get into my room by entering the window. He hid under the bed and when the police were gone he sat beside me. Everything became blurry and now we were sitting in a field. There were a lot of dogs surrounding us but they didn't look harmful. The teenager who was beside me suddenly disappeared and I felt worried and I panicked. I felt like something dear was lost, that REALLY worried feeling. I found the boy lying in the field smiling at me and then...

I woke up.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday December 4

"I don't believe in fairy tales, in happily ever afters and in godmothers who come out to grant you wishes."

Yeah, I don't too. It gives us the idea that we would all live a happily ever after but in reality, not all people have a happy ending. Everything has it's own complication.

Like me for example, I'm Bisexual, and yet I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. I'm true to myself, yet the truth hurts. I don't want to be like this. I hate it when I feel like I'm in love with her. I can't take the fact that he doesn't like me back. But I've been like this since I was a kid. I was Bi ever since I could remember and all those memories of me liking the same gender, I just kept them to myself.

Now that I'm 16, I think I'm breaking down. I'm going crazy. I want to die and yet I can't. I want to support my siblings in their education yet I know that I wouldn't get a high-paying job since I'm not confident and I'm not smart. I would like to die now.

I hate thinking too much.

Somehow, I both hate & like my friends. I may call someone my best friend, but I've never really had a TRUE friend. That's sad. I've never really met anyone who would be serious to me about my problems, someone who would know how I really feel, someone who doesn't exist in this world. I don't know if he does, I hope he is. God prolly wants me to help some more in order for me to find the one who can help me.

I hate the movie "Enchanted" cuz I know that I have no happy ending and that I won't be able to really love & call anyone as my own.

I don't feel like typing anymore...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday December 8

Playlist for today :
* When I Die - New Found Glory
* Oxygen - New Found Glory

I slept at 2am and woke up at 5am. Today was the day we went to the resort to have a small family reunion. It was fun except when my lil cousins tried to drown me. My parents cooked food for us and we all sung with the karaoke machine. In the afternoon, more of our relatives arrived. It was a fun day overall except for just a few minutes ago. My dad can be a real asshole sometimes.

He pisses me off...

Cold-Hearted ASSHOLE

I just got home and I'm incredibly pissed.

After my last class, I went up to the 4th floor to visit my friends who were still in class. Everything was somewhat fine, although I thought my trigonometry professor was a ghost in the hallway and it was raining pretty hard. As I climbed up the stairs, I heard a meow. Surely enough it was a cat... In the fourth floor of our school. It was weird at first and all my friends held her in their arms and smiled at her. After their short break me and a friend of mine gave it left over bread and some water. It was such a cute cat.

After a while we just left her there and went on to take pictures of our unsuspecting friends. Other people were now caressing the kitty and we laughed and awed at it's cuteness. Unfortunately then, I had to go home since it was nearing 6:30pm. My dad had sent me a text message saying he was on his way.

As I was walking towards the elevator, I saw two of my other friends. We were chatting at first then I mentioned that a cat was at the Student's Center. One of my friends suddenly gasped. She said that she saw one of the staff of our school, let's give him an alias like ASSHOLE, throw the kitty OFF THE FORTH FLOOR, INTO THE FUCKING RAIN AND IT LANDED ON THE FLOOR!...

WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THROW A CAT OFF THE FOURTH FLOOR?!

We ran to in the elevator and quickly got out at the basement when we got there. I was asking who threw the cat off the fourth floor and my friend wasn't certain that it was the ASSHOLE but we knew that he was prolly the one who did. As we walked the hallway that was open to the field, we saw the cat. At first we thought that she was alright but she didn't move. I felt so sad so I carried the cat to a safe place where she would be somewhat safe. But if you can't move then you can't hunt. So, her fate was sealed, pretty much ASSHOLE would come down and really kill the poor thing. I left her my hanky to keep her warm. Hopefully it would help even for just a while.

Still, another death in my life.

What I can't take is that HE CANNOT VALUE LIFE.
Another thing, when another friend of mine who was upstairs asked him where the kitty was, he replied with "Oh, she flew down there."
I wonder what he'll feel if I push him off the fourth floor.
If it wasn't a grave sin, I would do it.

MotherFucking Percy! Burn in hell!
“God gives life and only God can take it away!”
KEEP THAT IN YOUR PEANUT-SIZED BRAIN!

Again I Go Unnoticed...

She smiles
As if she's done something right, something to be proud of
But it is something stupid
Something that would ruin her friendship with some of us

Whoever knew that that girl who has such a great smile, personality and talent would hurt herself? She hurts herself so bad that bruises can be seen on her skin. I felt the pain. We try to help her, everyday, giving her alternatives in letting out her rage. But she never listens. No one ever does.

"Do that again and I'll jump off the building..."

"I'll try..."

"I'll try not to jump then..."

"Alright."

"..."

That hurt me a lot. Doesn't she believe me?.. Doesn't she know that by hurting herself like that, she gives other people the wrong idea that they too should hurt themselves? I know that she has a lot of problems in her life. But hurting herself is not the answer. Doesn't she know that we're here for her? That we would try our best to help her with her problems? Doesn't she appreciate that we're here?...

I have no idea and most of the times, I turn out to become nosy with other people's business to find out the answer. At other times, I make the mistake of not being nosy enough.

She's not the only person who has those problems. I have experienced some of what she's going through, but I've stopped trying to kill myself over something I know I can fix soon, if not later. I guess not all people can...

I feel so useless that I can't do anything for her. I feel so stupid to TRY and do something for her. She's practically the sister I never had and yet I can't do anything to help her.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I help her? Why can't I help them?
Why am I so useless?

Another Bad Memory to Store...

"I made the choice to finally go because I can’t stand this pain. It’s time for my last tear to fall and for me to smile again."

I fell in love with two persons at once... One of those persons is a very close friend of mine. We were so close that I felt so comfortable in telling him that I liked him. Not just like, but more of like like. He understood what I was trying to say. He knew...

Before that day that I told him that I liked him, he told me all about his 'crushes' and the girls he used to like. I knew he liked "Chinita" girls. Girls who were light-skinned, beautiful and all that. Most of it was something I am not... I am not skinny, or girly or beautiful.

Anyway, after I told him what I felt, he began telling me about a girl he REALLY liked. As a good friend, trying to give him advice, I told him to be positive and that everything's gonna be fine. I tried to cheer him up and all that. I got angry every time he cuts himself and I try to help even though I couldn't do shit.

But after all that he still sees me as his little sister...

Now that I can't take anymore of what he says about that girl. She's a friend of mine and she's cool and all that. I just cant help but feel so jealous of her. She's great to be honest. She's a cool friend and she's there if you need a shoulder to cry on. Moreover, she's smart and intelligent. DEFINITELY something I'm not.

Tomorrow, I have to tell him how I feel. I have to stay away from him. It's for the best not only for myself, but for him too. At least he won't have to think about me at all. And I guess if you really love someone, you have to let that person go.

I've been through this a lot of times and he was the only guy that I really ACTUALLY like liked. Someone I seriously liked, given my case right now. Unfortunately, I can't have him as my own... And he wouldn't want to even if he tried...

"I made the choice to finally go because I can’t stand this pain. It’s time for my last tear to fall and for me to smile again...

I pray that you will forgive me for walking away."

*sigh*

It's been a few days now... A lot has happened. A friend of mine has a lot of problems, another one started to slit, and another one died... R.I.P. Firefly, RebirthRO will always remember you..

Even though I didn't really know her, the fact that she died makes me feel so sad and angry. Fucking murderers and their fucking minds, burn em all in hell...

I'm suddenly not in the mood to type anything here. Peace out.

Friendship && Trust...

I just had a bad realization. I don't think I have any real friends. Hmm.. Could that even be possible? I mean, come on. I'm the one who'll do anything for a friend, and yet I end up having none that would do the same for me. What is a real friend? What is a true friend? I might be thinking too much again, like I always do. But this one kills me inside... I think I trusted them too much... I think I'm thinking too much again..

Here's something for Jonny.
We were friends at one time...
Then you became someone I
didn't want to know.
Who are you?

Here's one for X.
We knew each other for a long time
And yet you seem not to value
me as someone you could trust
You chose to trust someone new
She seems to like being with you,
So I'll just shut up and pretend that I don't care.
I love you my big brother...

For Angela,
I want you to know that I trust you
But I don't think you feel the same way as I.
Was I wrong to reveal such a thing to you?
Nah, Don't worry about it.
I know you wont tell.
Or would you?

For Cat,
...
Hahaha, Yeah.
We had great times.
But you seem to hate everyone.
I mean, some people that ...
Well, let's just say
You judge the book by it's cover...
TOO MUCH.
But still, you're an adorable
friend and I love you so.
I just think it's too much..
I'm sorry...

I want to say more to my other friends, but I'm afraid I would realize or say something I shouldn't. I'm sorry guys. Tell me if I'm wrong! This ends here...