... Thoughts all kept...

Since I had no internet for the past days, I kept my blogs/journal in a text file.

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Friday November 30.

I got home at 12mn.

The day started out really well, we had our NSTP Christmas Reach-In with the less fortunate kids in the area. It was a great morning. We planned earlier that after that activity we would go out, just us friends since it was our friend's birthday. We forced him to come with us and he did, fortunately.

Before setting off to the movies, our friend (the guy who planned our trip) wanted to go home and take a bath (he was covered with raw egg). So he did and we were stuck in a class reunion of another friend. I felt weird with all the people whom I didn't know. I hate being in a place where I don't belong. I had to get out ASAP, and when the opportunity arrived, I gladly took it.

Fast forward time. After that we went to our friend's house and stayed there for a long while. His parents were supposed to drive us to the mall. And after that when we finally got to the mall, the movie we wanted to watch was going to show an hour later. We ate and bought a gift for the birthday boy and watched the movie.

This is where the weird things happen. First of all, two of my friends suddenly disappeared. The guy I liked, and my Onee-san. I knew that something was up. I just felt it. After the movie (which was great but it made me sad inside), we ended up playing in the arcade. Onee-san left again. I was worried, but like always, my futile efforts to help ended up with me thinking too much again. She makes me feel useless as a friend.

Anyway, I felt depressed, really depressed. Even if they asked me what was wrong, I just smiled and said that nothing was wrong, even though everything was. After wasting our money playing Time Crisis 4 and House of the Dead 4 (or 3?), my Nii-san & Onee-san talked. It seemed as though something was wrong. I didn't meddle in their affairs. We stopped by at a bookstore and damn there were a lot of good books, and I couldn't buy even one. I am poor. I have no money, and I envy my Onee-san for having a lot of money to spend on things like that.

Fuck, both my parents don't have any jobs.

We hung out at Starbucks and I just felt so fucking depressed and the movie made everything worse. I just listened to my mp3 and smiled every time they looked at me. When we were there, Nii-san was sad too. Again I felt useless that I can't do anything to make him cheer up. It fucking pisses me off not being able to be there for someone.

Anyway another fast forward, Onee-san & Nii-san had a small argument and me and Nii-san commuted home. We talked on the way, about our problems, things we thought, and how we felt about that day. We ended up telling each other that there were some things that we hadn't and wouldn't talk about.

After that long commute home. I stopped at a small terminal in front of my Nii-san's Subdivision and asked my dad to fetch me there. Me and Nii-san sent text messages to our friends and telling them to have a good night's rest. My dad arrived then and I went home at exactly 12:28AM

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Tuesday December 4 (Morning)

I had a weird dream. I was on my bed and there were crowd noises outside my room. I walked out my room and the hallway was turned into a mall, I approached my sister who was standing near a food stand. She told me that there was a credit card robbery near our place. I went back to my room and sat on my bed. Seconds later I saw a blonde teenager about a year or two older than me running away from policemen who looked like they were from the old times of England. The teenager was handsome and he looked like someone who wouldn't commit any crime so I told him to get into my room by entering the window. He hid under the bed and when the police were gone he sat beside me. Everything became blurry and now we were sitting in a field. There were a lot of dogs surrounding us but they didn't look harmful. The teenager who was beside me suddenly disappeared and I felt worried and I panicked. I felt like something dear was lost, that REALLY worried feeling. I found the boy lying in the field smiling at me and then...

I woke up.

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Tuesday December 4

"I don't believe in fairy tales, in happily ever afters and in godmothers who come out to grant you wishes."

Yeah, I don't too. It gives us the idea that we would all live a happily ever after but in reality, not all people have a happy ending. Everything has it's own complication.

Like me for example, I'm Bisexual, and yet I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. I'm true to myself, yet the truth hurts. I don't want to be like this. I hate it when I feel like I'm in love with her. I can't take the fact that he doesn't like me back. But I've been like this since I was a kid. I was Bi ever since I could remember and all those memories of me liking the same gender, I just kept them to myself.

Now that I'm 16, I think I'm breaking down. I'm going crazy. I want to die and yet I can't. I want to support my siblings in their education yet I know that I wouldn't get a high-paying job since I'm not confident and I'm not smart. I would like to die now.

I hate thinking too much.

Somehow, I both hate & like my friends. I may call someone my best friend, but I've never really had a TRUE friend. That's sad. I've never really met anyone who would be serious to me about my problems, someone who would know how I really feel, someone who doesn't exist in this world. I don't know if he does, I hope he is. God prolly wants me to help some more in order for me to find the one who can help me.

I hate the movie "Enchanted" cuz I know that I have no happy ending and that I won't be able to really love & call anyone as my own.

I don't feel like typing anymore...

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Saturday December 8

Playlist for today :
* When I Die - New Found Glory
* Oxygen - New Found Glory

I slept at 2am and woke up at 5am. Today was the day we went to the resort to have a small family reunion. It was fun except when my lil cousins tried to drown me. My parents cooked food for us and we all sung with the karaoke machine. In the afternoon, more of our relatives arrived. It was a fun day overall except for just a few minutes ago. My dad can be a real asshole sometimes.

He pisses me off...